Gather Up The Fragments

I spent the weekend on retreat at the Monastery of the Society of Saint John the Evangelist in Cambridge, Massachusetts. 

It was a pleasant weekend filled with plenty of rest, relaxation, and silence. The monks are kind enough to offer Episcopal Service Corps members the opportunity to take retreat at no cost, a wonderful ministry of hospitality, indeed. 

During my time at the monastery, I had conversations of a spiritual nature with two monks, both of whom are seasoned preachers and retreat leaders. In one of these conversations, I expressed frustration over certain aspects of my year at Saint Hilda's House, the details of which will likely be published here in the next few days. 

"When they were satisfied," the monk quoted quoted from the sixth chapter of John's Gospel, "[Jesus] told his disciples, 'Gather up the fragments left over, so that nothing may be lost'" (John 6:12). This comes from the end of the popular Feeding of the 5,000. After the feeding was finished, Jesus asked his friends to gather everything up so that nothing would fall to waste. 

The monk asked me to do the same, to gather up the fragmented pieces of my time at Saint Hilda's House, both the wonderful and the abysmal. I spoke about the frustrations and blessings of living in New Haven, of working with children, in building close relationships with some of my community, in growing irreparably distant from others in my community, of the gumption to invite and host the Presiding Bishop, in calling out a housemate for abusive and manipulative behavior, of living in a sacramental community, of being immersed in Anglo-Catholicism, and many other things. I found myself immensely grateful for certain parts of my year and woefully regretful of other pieces. 

In the end, however, lessons were learned, both good and bad.

After gathering the fragments of Saint Hilda's House--the experiences left over after my time of study, service, and prayer--I find myself changed. While this change does not make the unfortunate elements of the year permissible--I will always oppose emotional manipulation, for example--it allows for a wider range of experiences from which to draw upon in the future. I will likely never live in a similar environment, but I will always have to deal with people (and myself) and the propensities for goodness and selfishness therein.